Heroin

I never got the chance to meet my biological father. He died 11 years ago. My whole life I never knew why he didn’t want me. I never knew what I did to make him hate me. News flash I was a baby. I didn’t do anything. I grew up hating this man. I would say that I couldn’t wait for him to die so I could laugh at him. I honestly believed I never cared if he lived or died. This fact effected my entire live. I believed all the lies the devil gave me. I ate em up like skittles. I never felt loved. I was angry inside. I hid it well most of the time but it would definitely come out from time to time.

I was packing to move to California when my mom came home from work with a look on her face. I immediately knew something was wrong. Something happened to someone we knew. She sat down on the floor beside me and gave me hug. She told me my biological father had passed away. There was no laughter. There was no hatred. There was only pain. There was only tears. It’s easy to hate someone that you have the ability to one day talk to. It’s easy to blame someone you have no connection to but may one day. I cried for a man I never knew. The biggest thing I felt was that I would never be able to ask all the questions I had. I would never get the chance to be mad at him to his face and then be able to hug him because I was still that little boy. It is easy to hold on to all the things when the OPPORTUNITY of having reconciliation is still on the table. It is hard to realize that you will never get that now. It has been 11 years and I still haven’t dealt with it. I do not know how. I am starting with writing this post. And this poem:

The first exhale after the dopamine is released in your brain – Closest to heaven is all I’m sayin – Usain Bolt the chase trying to recreate that mental state its no debate – I was one when he passed out with a needle in his arm – Killing himself but I was the one he harmed – A kid with a bag at the door what’s in store give me more but not this war – Twenty something years later he was gone – Herd he was sober but I think they were wrong – Never met the man I can’t stand don’t misunderstand let me expand – All my anger turned to pain and tears the day I found out – At God I started to shout – All the questions I can never ask him lights are dim torn limb from limb – What was he on. Heroin.